This Is Hospice, part 3

Part 3

December 11. 3:15am she called me, anxious and asking if I can hear her. Nurse said she slept til 1:30 (which is the most she has slept in a few days). Keeps saying she needs water. Keeps calling the nurse. They couldn't give the lorazepam because she was asleep. Nurse said if they give it to her now they won't be able to give it to her tonight at bed time. (Lame). -- I've been on the phone all night. She has not slept and keeps asking if I'm still on the phone. When I nod off she hangs up and calls me back. Got to hospital at 9:30, and within minutes she falls asleep. Talked with hospice nurse about the anxiety. Ok'd giving lorazepam as needed vs just at bed time. Not sure if they gave it yet, but, 3:06pm and she's asleep for the first time. Bloody nose again today. Anxiety came back a little after sleeping (for 2 hours!) and I noticed when it does, that seems to be linked to her neck pain/comfort. Also, throwing up today, not anything major like at the hospital. Very little appetite too. Seems different today since I came back from lunch, don't know how to explain. Keep forgetting she complains often of being hot, like since going to the hospital. 8:00pm--her twitches got really bad, much more movement. Lorzapram given at 8:10, 30 minutes later she  is still awake...she nodded off but woke up calling for me. Starts to nod back off but then wakes up asking for me. 9pm, maybe she's asleep 

 

December 12. Mom called at 5am but I had turned off my ringer. She only called back once, figure she fell back to sleep. Didn't call again til 11:30. Teresa was on her way down fortunately. She was pretty upset. Said she couldn't tell me what was wrong because there was so much. I got here around 2:30, moms mostly been asleep. Wakes up saying momma, but not as a question. Then was saying her own name. She told Teresa I hadn't been here for a few days. Definitely sleeping more. No interest in food. Nurse said only a couple bites of breakfast. Only ate a couple bites of lunch & 2 bites of soup for dinner. Lots of ice chips. And through all of this she somehow still knows it's getting close to me having to leave. She starts saying "can you stay?" And then "don't leave me" how does she know??? Left at 8pm, she was asleep. She called around 9. They brought her meds and she fell asleep around 10:30.

 

December 13. Woke up at 4am to 30 missed calls that started at 3am. Nurse gave her morphine. She kept saying she called Jeff and Teresa and that they were going to come down. Nurse came in and weighed her, 106. 8:30am mom is much calmer, but has stayed on the phone. Adam called hospice to find out about the anxiety med being as needed. She is making sure doc signs it and will call Adam back. This whole system is messed up, too many people involved including people who aren't even doctors. Everyone has their opinion about what's approved and what's not and how long you should be in the hospital and of course to be on medi-cal you have to be broke. Anxiety meds given at 10am (finally approved as needed) took an hour for her to fall asleep. Off and on throughout the day she called but about 2:30, she stopped. Got to the hospital at 6pm. This med sucks. She is staring at the ceiling. Still calls out but not as often. She's completely out of it. But still calls my name. This is not my mom. This sucks. I feel guilty for  it being here sooner and guilty cause I can't get anything done at home. I feel guilty talking about her passing instead of asking God to  heal her here. I feel horrible that my house is so messed up that I can't bring her home. I don't wish this on anyone. It sucks so bad. I left when mom was asleep about 8:20. By 9 she called me...

 

December 14. First call at 5:30am. Nothing since, but I feel so guilty. 1:20pm, called. Stayed on the line with her but she continuously asked when I would be at the hospital. Then would keep saying my name. At one point she was very insistent  that I get down there, that she needed me, couldn't breath because of the dried blood in her nose (more like scabs). Nurse came in while I was on the phone, she had a bloody nose and was also able to remove a large "blood booger" (that's what I call them). Teresa came to the hospital first, and when I got there (just before 7) she said mom had been saying my name off and on, even though she knew Teresa had come. Otherwise she slept except for a few moments. Lorazepam given at 8:36. I left just before 10pm, but had her phone call me so I could keep saying I'm here. We didn't disconnect til 1am.

 

December 15. 5:30 again but I answered. She was calling for help, confused, kept asking me "is this Karen" Nurse also came in. Gave lorazepam just before she called me, pain meds too. It takes a good 1/2 hour for her to calm down. 6:15 she still called my name, but calmer. Didn't hear from mom til about 3:30. Meds were given and she calmed down. Stayed on the phone with her. About 5:30 she spilled her juice (sometime she will reach for it herself, but she will spill it). She did ok, nurses came in and changed her. I have the night off--Jeff went to see her. I'm tired, numb, emotional, this sucks.

 

December 16. Called at 4:30am, but not so much anxiety. Nurse said she ate more than normal last night. More talkative. She was today too, aware of things. Would still zone out but more aware, even "hearing" when she was out of it. When I left, she was ok, Unusually calm even though she wanted me to stay. But by 11:15, she called, very anxious, fearful of being alone. Called my name out every minute and once I didn't answer, she hung up and called  back. Her anxiety this time was more afraid. Over the day she also kept telling me she loves me. It is now 12:30am and I still have the phone line open. She keeps saying my name to make sure I'm here...I may have to hang up and not answer when she calls. Side note, I couldn't figure out how i was getting a text from some random number saying to call mom (it listed her phone number). I called my phone to see how it was happening and learned my voicemail was full---all messages from mom. I gave up deleting them because she would just fill my box back up.