This Is Hospice, part 6 of 6

Part 6 of 6

January 5. They had to Give mom a test. Hospital had some positive ones. No visitors allowed. Also moving her to the C wing...that's where dad died. Said D wing is for rehab patients and they need to be ready for new patients.

 

January 7. It's weird not seeing her pretty much every day. Still no visitors allowed. And when we talk it's not much. She doesn't call as often. She did call around 6am, and then called the house later, machine came on. She didn't say anything, just left the line open so a message was left. Nurse came in and asked if she was talking to me, she said yes.

 

January 12. She is constipated again, hasn't gone since Jan 4. She does not want an enema or suppository. Nurse wanted me to convince her to do it, but mom did NOT want anything if it happens again. Still can't see her and Apria came and picked up her oxygen stuff...

 

January 14.  Nurse said she pooped yesterday, but I don't know how much. She is very out of it and when I call, she does not answer. And she hasn't called me today. I had the nurse tell her to call me. She was confused as to why...then just the typical "hi" "can you still hear me" and "how are you". And then we got disconnected and she didn't call back. She called around 10pm. Stayed on the phone for a bit but she kept telling me to wake up. Eventually I fell asleep but the line was open for awhile. 

 

January 15. Called off and on through the day. We talked a bit off and on, but just the typical convo. A few times she was definitely confused in the convo. 

 

January 18. The calls and voicemails have increased the past couple days. Voicemail is always urgent and panic. Telling me to call now. Sometimes "help me." I asked the hospice nurse if anything changed, explaining the calls. She was in the room when i was on the phone so mom responds saying she is fine and just wanted to talk. I left it alone because I didn't want to make her upset. But then I talked to her other nurse and she says every time they check on her she is happy and says she is fine. They tell me she just wants to talk. (No kidding, I get it, she's alone) I don't get it and honestly I get a bit resentful and frustrated. And if I don't answer after repeated calls, she calls Buff and tells her to call me and say to call her... when I do answer, it's an hour or more of "Karen?" "Hi mom" "hi Karen. I love you" "I love you too" over and over...it's overwhelming. I get frustrated. And then there's guilt for not answering and guilt for being frustrated. I'm there for her but no one is there for me. They can't be. Even if they call she wants me. Don't get me wrong, Jeff & Teresa have helped a lot! But like iv'e said before, even when they are there she asks for me and calls me the moment they leave (or even while they are there). I don't know how to do this.

 

January 19. Mom called a few times during the night and early this morning. Voicemails were insisting I call, one even sounded angry. But then nothing til about noon. Typical convos of Karen, I love you, are you still there. Then tonight her voicemail said she had a bloody nose and couldn't breath. But she sounded off. When I called her back she sounds froggy, even had a slight cough. Which her roommate has-a lung infection. She has a horrible cough. Not sure if that's what mom has...only time will tell

 

January 20. She called a couple times at 4am and a couple at 6am. Left messages. 6am message was asking me to cal the office, as if we were in the line. I called about 12 finally since she hadn't called back. Still froggy, quiet, small cough. It's been 18 days since I've seen her...

 

January 22. Finally connected with mom on the phone at 1:00pm! She hadnt been  answering or calling since Jan 20. Also talked with nurse who said she is doing ok. Not much convo with mom, she made a comment about needing to make keys and then asked where the butter was. She said she loves me, but pretty quiet after that. After about 1 & 1/2 hours, I hung up. She did not call back or answer when I called back in the evening.

 

January 23. She has not called nor has she answered my calls...Teresa and i are going to reach out to the hospital to see if there's a way we can see her, because something is off…

 

January 24. She is free. Nurse called at 7:36am. Said it was sudden, while yes she was on hospice, they did not think it was going to be today or any time soon. Such mixed emotions. She didn't want to die alone, and while I am grateful God was right there with her, I would have liked to have at least seen her again. But she is free, her fight here is over, she is breathing, running, singing, and can see perfectly. 

 

End note: There is no easy answer on which way to go—stay in the rehab center or go home. There is no easy answer on how to handle all of this. The emotions and exhaustion are very real. Studies have found that the health of the caretakers suffers, and if the loved one is at home, some caretakers die before the one on hospice. I was lucky to have family around to help and take shifts. But the guilt is very real. You feel guilty leaving them in the care facility, you feel guilty leaving, you feel guilty getting angry or frustrated. And life doesn't stop and wait for things to calm down, all around you life goes on. I am sharing this because people need to know, because we don’t talk about it, because maybe it will help just one person walk through this, because this is life and very real. And someone told me this - I have permission to be where I am at - we all do, we all have permission to be where we are at in the grieving process. Why? because this is how it is. Because each of us will process this differently, in our own time.

 

Because this is hospice.