This is Hospice, part 5

Part 5

December 27. Called off and on today. Chatted for a bit but was then back to just calling my name. Her nurse came in with dinner but she only ate soup. When I got to the hospital I heard her saying my name. Most conversation didn't make sense but she enjoyed the music I put on for a bit. Interesting observation--even through all of this, her need to be tidy and her ocd is still there. She still folds her napkin or tissue, and wanted her used tissue in the garbage so things didn't get dirty. And she got pissed that I told her to just set her kleenex on the table and I'll get the garbage for her. She demanded I get it now. Also--through all of this, she gets hot, or at least thinks she does. Not when she gets morphine, just random times. 

 

"So she will end up staying there, just like Popo" "I feel like I just stuck her in a home" this was a convo with my oldest on Nov 21...today and for a few days, I keep asking myself why I didn't just let her stay home. She didn't want to go to the doc. And I tell myself her bladder would have either burst or she would have a bad accident (since she wasn't even getting up to go pee) and her intestines would have torn. And that is painful, leads to death if not treated--treatment being surgery which was not an option for her. All of this to say, she did NOT want to be in a nursing home...more guilt as the reality of “this is it” plays in my mind.

 

December 28. Quiet today, called a few times. And then a very odd thing. Her friend Buff went to see her and i was on the phone. She was telling me Buff is there and then couldn't find the tv remote in order to turn it down. Then she started to get frustrated. Buff was telling her she would help her find it. I told her I would let her talk with Buff and call later. She got mad, demanded I not leave her. There was an odd panic/fear this time. She said no! Don't do this. Got very upset that i was going to hang up. So I told her I wouldn't. Then she calmed down enough to say bye. Around 6 she called me but Teresa was going in. But even then she kept telling Teresa she needed to talk to me and then would call me while Teresa was there. She called at 7:20. Told me she is very confused today and doesn't know why. Kept telling me to not go to sleep. Finally disconnected around 11.

 

December 29. She started calling by 5:20, house phone too. I didn't answer. Talked to mom for a bit at 11.  Not much convo, just her saying hi childishly, almost giddy. Got to the hospital around 6. She was asleep but then woke up glad to see me. Out of it mostly but then for at least 1/2 hour, wanted me to keep adjusting her bed "up a little, a little bit more. Down a little" each time I adjusted the bed it was seconds before she asked me to adjust it again. Nurse came in at 8:30 for meds.

 

December 30. Calls started last night after I left, stopped at 11:30, then back by 2 til 3am. Then 4am. I keep my phone on silent because of this. Although I feel guilty... called her around 2 and stayed on the line a bit. Not much calling out or talk. Then she called at 6, 11 times. Got to her around 6:15. Nurses say she calls my name all the time. Definitely odd statements--need to take the mirrors down, need water for my hair, stuff that makes no sense. She even called out my name while she was asleep. Weird movements while asleep, like she was dreaming. She called out Thomas, Tom, Tom. Definitely asking for dad. Meds given at 9:30pm. Left at 10. 

 

January 1. She called a few times at 3:30am but then nothing. Came by early, very quiet. Out of it. Left around 12. Back at 6:20. She didn't recognize me until I said hi mom. Nurse said she is complaining of eye pain.  No appetite. Nurse said she refused dinner, there's a difference today, and an odd odor. Also, everything today is "quick, do this" to whatever she needs. Around 7, she started calling out my name and telling me not to go. Then "fix my neck" so you adjust the pillow and nothing works and every minute or two she asks again...and says don't be mad. And it's not that I'm mad it's just frustrating and I can't fix it. Nurse came in to empty cath, urine was very strong 

 

January 3, we were told we could not visit due to cvid numbers on the rise and someone on staff tested positive. Great. More guilt because now the thought that she will die alone plays over and over.

 

January 4. Yesterday mom called off and on all day. She is getting more confused. Today as I watched This Is Us, they had the mom in her thoughts. She couldn't remember in her thoughts and then said it out loud. That's how I see mom. As if in her thoughts she knows can't remember and she is trying to put her thoughts together but she can't. Today she called pretty much all day.  But tonight it was different. She was panicked more. Insisted she needed tape for her oxygen hose. And paper towels. And then she couldn't get her bed remote to work, but I don't even know if she really adjusts it on her own. She couldn't communicate to the nurse well what she needed, truth is I don't think she knows what she needs. The hospital had to stop visitors because of covid cases, including a staff member. So that doesn't help. She also told me to call the office to see if Buff could bring her some food. I told her her food needs to be pulses and she said no, she can eat whatever. And she said it had been 5 days since she saw me (2) and then asked if she was still at the hospital.