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She thanked me for hand sanitizer...

We showed up at church this morning and there was a homeless person camped at the door. Someone explained she would need move because we needed the door. But she didn't, not out of spite or anger but because she was cold and tired. So we worked around her. I text a gal who leads our outreach ministry to see if she had anything for her. She brought some toiletries and a sandwich. Someone had clothes they were going to give away and gave them to her. Then after service was over, I knew we had coffee left. So I brought her a cup. She is an older gal, maybe my age or a little older.  She asked if we had creamer and I had my daughter take some to her. By now she was moving around, but still at the door. I knew I had a blanket in my car, so I went to get it, and found a light sweater. I brought them to her. She said thank you. And then, she asked if I happened to have hand sanitizer or tissues. I did. And I remembered I had another one in my car. When I got the one out of my car I grabbe
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To the LGTBQ+ community, I'm sorry.

To the LGTBQ+ community, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the pain you have endured just because you are you. I'm sorry for the hurtful words people have said about you, just because you are you. I'm sorry for the physical pain, even death, caused by people, just because you are you. I'm sorry for the words spoken by Christian's who tell you you are wrong and need to repent, just because you are you. I wish I understood why people respond to you the way they do, just for being you. I wish I understood why people are afraid of you, why they are so against you, why they speak such horrible things, why they feel the need to "correct" you & "fix" you, and why so many of them dare to use the Bible to point out how wrong you are---all because you are just being you. I wish people could see how kind, generous, compassionate, and loving you are.  #lgbtq+ #pride #love #loveoverhate
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I don't know what to title this one...

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It's been awhile since I posted, I mean, I've written notes down but no blog post. Haven't really been sure what to write. I often think about what's gone on over the last year--finally sold my moms home, I have two new grandkids, my youngest and her husband moved back in, the church I attend moved out of our building and became a mobile church, my brother ended up getting a heart transplant (that's a whole story on its own!), I went to Texas to visit, Brittani got married, lost way too much in stock (couldn't touch it because of probate), my cat died, bandaids still don't work for my kids, celebrated baby showers, hmm, anything else?  Some of these things have brought new challenges, some things were challenging, and other things are still happening. It's life. It doesn't pause. It just keeps going, as it should. Can you imagine if life did pause?? There's a point to all this... some days have been rough. I'm not one to open up, I only let o
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This Is Hospice, part 6 of 6

Part 6 of 6 January 5. They had to Give mom a test. Hospital had some positive ones. No visitors allowed. Also moving her to the C wing...that's where dad died. Said D wing is for rehab patients and they need to be ready for new patients.   January 7. It's weird not seeing her pretty much every day. Still no visitors allowed. And when we talk it's not much. She doesn't call as often. She did call around 6am, and then called the house later, machine came on. She didn't say anything, just left the line open so a message was left. Nurse came in and asked if she was talking to me, she said yes.   January 12. She is constipated again, hasn't gone since Jan 4. She does not want an enema or suppository. Nurse wanted me to convince her to do it, but mom did NOT want anything if it happens again. Still can't see her and Apria came and picked up her oxygen stuff...   January 14.  Nurse said she pooped yesterday, but I don't know how much. She is very out of it and
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This is Hospice, part 5

Part 5 December 27. Called off and on today. Chatted for a bit but was then back to just calling my name. Her nurse came in with dinner but she only ate soup. When I got to the hospital I heard her saying my name. Most conversation didn't make sense but she enjoyed the music I put on for a bit. Interesting observation--even through all of this, her need to be tidy and her ocd is still there. She still folds her napkin or tissue, and wanted her used tissue in the garbage so things didn't get dirty. And she got pissed that I told her to just set her kleenex on the table and I'll get the garbage for her. She demanded I get it now. Also--through all of this, she gets hot, or at least thinks she does. Not when she gets morphine, just random times.    "So she will end up staying there, just like Popo" "I feel like I just stuck her in a home" this was a convo with my oldest on Nov 21...today and for a few days, I keep asking myself why I didn't just let her
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This Is Hospice, part 4

Part 4 December 17. Calls started around 1:30am, to Teresa too. One unintentional voicemail I heard the nurse talking to her about how I am probably asleep and mom saying no we have to talk to each other. She gave her meds. Then at 6:30 she called again, and I was actually still asleep (bills Friday off). It's 8 now, no calls yet.    December 18. First call at 4:30am. Stayed on the line. Any time I disconnected she would call back. Called out my name every minute or two. Rough morning. From the sounds of things she ate breakfast & lunch. Got here at 1:30, she smiled said hi and fell asleep. Very sleepy today, but would wake up and say she loves me. And just like always, she knew when it was getting close to leave and would start with "don't go" she was more worked up about me leaving tonight. Nurse gave the anxiety meds early but it wasn't helping. I left about 9:15 and she called by 9:30. It was the hardest time leaving. At one point when I fell asleep she sa
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This Is Hospice, part 3

Part 3 December 11. 3:15am she called me, anxious and asking if I can hear her. Nurse said she slept til 1:30 (which is the most she has slept in a few days). Keeps saying she needs water. Keeps calling the nurse. They couldn't give the lorazepam because she was asleep. Nurse said if they give it to her now they won't be able to give it to her tonight at bed time. (Lame). -- I've been on the phone all night. She has not slept and keeps asking if I'm still on the phone. When I nod off she hangs up and calls me back. Got to hospital at 9:30, and within minutes she falls asleep. Talked with hospice nurse about the anxiety. Ok'd giving lorazepam as needed vs just at bed time. Not sure if they gave it yet, but, 3:06pm and she's asleep for the first time. Bloody nose again today. Anxiety came back a little after sleeping (for 2 hours!) and I noticed when it does, that seems to be linked to her neck pain/comfort. Also, throwing up today, not anything major like at the
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