Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Trying NOT to understand...

I’ve been trying to figure out what I could have done differently (as many parents do), like what I could have done to prevent my children from trying drugs; my sons from stealing; my son from being so angry; my son from leaving home and turning back to drinking and drugs; what would have helped all of them apply themselves more; what I will do with my youngest; how I could be a better parent, wife. I could go on. It’s not regretting things, it’s more then that. It’s trying to figure out how I could have done things better. How I could have done more, even what I shouldn’t have done. See, most recently it’s really been “in my face.” Having one child take to the streets is hard. I find myself wondering if I’d do the same thing if it were one of my other kids, wondering if it’s what God really wants me to do.

And then it hits me, although even in this next thought I question myself. I realize I am trying to save my kids. Not just from making mistakes, I know they aren’t perfect. I want them to just believe what I say, but then, that makes it more about me and me being right. It’s not about me and I can't save them. And, then I have to believe that although there are things I could have, should have, done differently, I can’t go back. All I can do is let them know I messed up; let them know that even though things could have been better, they still have a choice to make. And, hold on to the fact that just because it never was done “that” way before, things change. And we all learn along the way. And we have a choice to make, a choice to either focus on the things we messed up on, the things that were done wrong, even argue about how I, as a parent, don’t do things the same with each kid or even how what I did before isn’t how I want it done now. But, this choice pattern will keep us in the past, defeating any effort we give to better.

The other choice is to realize that no one can save us, NO ONE. We can’t save ourselves; our best friend can’t save us; our spouse cannot save us; our parents can’t either. There is only 1 choice to make and that choice is to choose life. But, how do we do that? How do we move forward choosing to make the best of things? The only way I know, no, the only way period is to choose to let go and surrender my life to Christ. It’s not easy. The problems WON’T go away overnight, some may never leave. BUT He CAN save me. He CAN save my kids. He CAN save you. And, although it doesn’t always make sense, although I still question things and wonder if what I am doing is right and even cry out to Him when I know what I did was wrong, He is the answer. My older brother has said it for years, I’ve said it before too but it’s worth repeating-Life demands an answer, God is it. But, letting God be the boss of my life has to be just that, my life. I can’t “try it for a week” and say it isn’t working. I can’t even try it for a year and decide it's not working. See, it’s got to be all or nothing. Hmm, I’m answering myself as I type this. See, if I decide right now that trusting God with all this confusion just is no longer worth it and I just do it my way (which believe me, my way would change day to day), well, it would just make a bigger mess. My way is emotionally and circumstantially based. I don’t want that seesaw adventure. I want to know that no matter how confusing it gets, no matter how hard it seems, no matter how scary it appears, no matter what, I can trust in God, who NEVER changes, who is ALWAYS there, who is simply waiting for me to call out to Him and then wait for HIS answer in HIS timing. Which brings me to this - There are times I wish life made more sense. But I guess if it always did, I wouldn’t need to trust God. Isa 55:8-9

2 comments:

Aneta said...

Hi Karen, I came across your blog through Pete Wilson's blog. I appreciate your honesty in your writing. As parents, I think we all have regrets and like you, I think so much about how I parented and am wishing I could change things. I have to keep telling myself to 'give it to God'; He has a plan, even if I can't see it and can feel so discouraged. Like I heard today: "There is a God and it isn't me!" ;) Thanks for sharing. Keep looking up.

Just Karen said...

Thanks Aneta. And I too am glad there is a God and it isn't me :)