Shine Today

NO, this is not a post about footwear. It's a post about why we don't do things sometimes simply because we have a pre-conceived idea on what the outcome will be. For example, why ask a friend out for coffee, they will just say they don't have time. Or why bother writing a letter to an official about a concern, they will just ignore it.  Why do we do that? Why is it when we have a passionate or strong opinion about something we avoid telling people? Fear of rejection? Fear of not being heard? Both? I say DO IT ANYWAY. What if you have an idea about something you think would improve the way things are done? What if you have an idea that will bring change to a situation? If you don't speak up, 100% guarantee nothing will happen. BUT, if you do say something, there is a chance you can make a difference. So, write the letter. Speak up (politely of course). Go ahead and put your idea, or suggestion, or thought out there. Do the hard things. Research what you are passionate a...

Sometimes it really just takes a kind gesture. In one case, it was a chair. They didn't have to move it for me, but they did.  And as I sat in it listening to the birds and watching a few butterflies flutter by, I couldn't help but smile. In another case it was staying with someone who had an incident in a parking lot. There were a few of us, her dad went to get her car and we stayed with her until he came over with it.  One other one was very simple, someone complimented my eyes. My first thought was I don't even have any make up on. But I replied with a smile and a thank you. Kindness goes a long way. And there are many ways to be kind-a smile, an encouraging word, holding the door for someone, bringing someone cookies or "extra" food, the list goes on but the point is this - choose to be kind.

This picture speaks volumes about my life right now. Specifically that a grandchild played with these, which happens a lot. All of my grands have liked playing in the kitchen drawers and cabinets. It's not unusual to see canned food displayed on the tv stand, and the occasional pot laying around too.  Sometimes it causes an issue when I need something and cannot find it.  Back in the day i would have told my kids to put it away. But there's a huge difference being a grandma.  I have stopped begin so quick to "put their imagination away". Thats the best way I can describe it. Instead I have stepped back and watched more. Wish I could have done this as a parent. There are plenty of other things to worry about, and for now, silverware, measuring cups, pots & pans, and food containers are not one of them. And I'm ok with that.

I just plugged in my outside Christmas lights. It's September 30. And yes, the lights did not get taken down last year (or the year before- Whatever ). I always enjoy looking at Christmas lights. Something about the colors and brightness. It doesn't even need to be a big display, simple is just fine. All the colors glimmering just captivates me. After I plugged mine in, two people text me about life being overwhelming. It is.  I text them back and said  to hold on to the truth that even when you can't see or feel it, God is right there. He is. The bible says He never leaves us. Knowing this doesn't make sense though as life often doesn't seem fair, and sometimes it's just overwhelming.   One person mentioned not knowing who they are anymore and the other said they will just stay in a cave. You know what?  It's ok to stay in your cave, be there until you can be somewhere else. Keep a light with you though, so you don't stay in the dark. And if that means ...

I really love thunder and lightening, i mean REALLY love it. I actually get bummed when the weather says "chance" and it passes me by. But this morning, i heard a soft rumble. so i stepped outside. Clouds covered the morning sky but i didn't see anything. and then, a flash. and a very soft rumble in the distance. and then another flash followed by a soft rumble. I stood in my front yard staring at the sky and a breeze picked up. I waited. Another flash. Something about the soft distant ruble, i don't even know how to explain it. And then off to the right, a long bolt flashed across the sky as if to "close the show". The wind kept blowing and some drops of water fell from the sky. I could have stood there longer, waiting. There was just so much peace. It was a great start to the day. Psalm 29:3, 7

The title of this post is what my uncle wrote on my cast when I broke my foot in 4th grade (in a swimming pool, WITH water in it). Clumsy much? You could say so.  Pretty much my entire life I have been a clutz. From tripping over nothing to getting hit with a basketball and even running into a fire hydrant. Let's not stop there--slamming my own thumb in my car door, sewing my finger, walking into door jams, I'm always dropping food on myself, always drop the drink container I use, stubbing my toes, dropping cups & bowls, running into people, knocking things over, walking into our tv stand...I know there's more. Oh and let's not forget I naturally walk crooked.  But, this last week for some reason there was more emotion about it. First I bumped a lid to a pot and it shattered, then 2 days later I dropped a plate with food on it and it broke (see my pics on my facebook). Honestly I wanted to cry. Not because I broke things, but because I broke things, make sense? Whe...

Recently I was asked to share a thought to be used as a devotional. At first, I panicked because im not good at it. There's so much going on it's difficult to find a space, and I have a hard time being consistent. Just because I work at the church office doesn't mean I've got it all figured out, I still struggle. I don't always find the space or time to just sit with God and listen.  The great news is God is not disappointed in me and He doesn't love me less. So, I have two things I'd like to share- a verse and a song. The verse is Habakkuk 3:17-19, you can read it yourself, but it says how all these things aren’t going right and then he says  “yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. The Sovereign Lord is my strength;” I call it my “yet” verse because even if things are not going the way I think they should, I will still rejoice in the Lord. Then there is this song, “Goodness of God.” I play this on repeat often. There are a few ve...

It's been a bit since i've written. Life just flies by. I think part of the reason i havent written is i find myself wondering what to share. So I'm just going to be real. Life has been hard these past few months. Actually, a few years. The most challenging is my inability to get my house in order. I want to be able to get to the place to have people over again and they have a place to sit. I want to be able to have dinner at the table, or play games, or build a puzzle. But theres just so much stuff, everywhere. And then we got a puppy, because having a full house with two children isn't enough. My husband brought her home. I get it, i've done it. but we weren't ready for a puppy. In the middle of all this, my sister-in-law died from a complication during surgery. The reality of grief has hit a whole new way, and all the "firsts" without her were immediate, like the next day! Oh and don't forget, menopause arrived! And then another grandbaby was bo...

Being an adult isn't a horrible thing. We get to have children, grandchildren, do things without asking for permission, just to name a few. Of course there are some things about the growing up that can be challenging--having to pay bills. Realizing that you can't do the same things you did when you're 20. And my favorite, having several things that need to be replaced at one time. Things like a car tire, a close dryer, a water heater, a toaster,  a  food processor (although not a priority), and a garage freezer.   In the midst of all these things, our bathtub and washing machine backed up... challenging as this can all be, I'll take being an adult over going back to homework and being a kid any day. 

We showed up at church this morning and there was a homeless person camped at the door. Someone explained she would need move because we needed the door. But she didn't, not out of spite or anger but because she was cold and tired. So we worked around her. I text a gal who leads our outreach ministry to see if she had anything for her. She brought some toiletries and a sandwich. Someone had clothes they were going to give away and gave them to her. Then after service was over, I knew we had coffee left. So I brought her a cup. She is an older gal, maybe my age or a little older.  She asked if we had creamer and I had my daughter take some to her. By now she was moving around, but still at the door. I knew I had a blanket in my car, so I went to get it, and found a light sweater. I brought them to her. She said thank you. And then, she asked if I happened to have hand sanitizer or tissues. I did. And I remembered I had another one in my car. When I got the one out of my car I grabbe...

To the LGTBQ+ community, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for the pain you have endured just because you are you. I'm sorry for the hurtful words people have said about you, just because you are you. I'm sorry for the physical pain, even death, caused by people, just because you are you. I'm sorry for the words spoken by Christian's who tell you you are wrong and need to repent, just because you are you. I wish I understood why people respond to you the way they do, just for being you. I wish I understood why people are afraid of you, why they are so against you, why they speak such horrible things, why they feel the need to "correct" you & "fix" you, and why so many of them dare to use the Bible to point out how wrong you are---all because you are just being you. I wish people could see how kind, generous, compassionate, and loving you are.  #lgbtq+ #pride #love #loveoverhate

It's been awhile since I posted, I mean, I've written notes down but no blog post. Haven't really been sure what to write. I often think about what's gone on over the last year--finally sold my moms home, I have two new grandkids, my youngest and her husband moved back in, the church I attend moved out of our building and became a mobile church, my brother ended up getting a heart transplant (that's a whole story on its own!), I went to Texas to visit, Brittani got married, lost way too much in stock (couldn't touch it because of probate), my cat died, bandaids still don't work for my kids, celebrated baby showers, hmm, anything else?  Some of these things have brought new challenges, some things were challenging, and other things are still happening. It's life. It doesn't pause. It just keeps going, as it should. Can you imagine if life did pause?? There's a point to all this... some days have been rough. I'm not one to open up, I only let o...

Part 6 of 6 January 5. They had to Give mom a test. Hospital had some positive ones. No visitors allowed. Also moving her to the C wing...that's where dad died. Said D wing is for rehab patients and they need to be ready for new patients.   January 7. It's weird not seeing her pretty much every day. Still no visitors allowed. And when we talk it's not much. She doesn't call as often. She did call around 6am, and then called the house later, machine came on. She didn't say anything, just left the line open so a message was left. Nurse came in and asked if she was talking to me, she said yes.   January 12. She is constipated again, hasn't gone since Jan 4. She does not want an enema or suppository. Nurse wanted me to convince her to do it, but mom did NOT want anything if it happens again. Still can't see her and Apria came and picked up her oxygen stuff...   January 14.  Nurse said she pooped yesterday, but I don't know how much. She is very out of it and...

Part 5 December 27. Called off and on today. Chatted for a bit but was then back to just calling my name. Her nurse came in with dinner but she only ate soup. When I got to the hospital I heard her saying my name. Most conversation didn't make sense but she enjoyed the music I put on for a bit. Interesting observation--even through all of this, her need to be tidy and her ocd is still there. She still folds her napkin or tissue, and wanted her used tissue in the garbage so things didn't get dirty. And she got pissed that I told her to just set her kleenex on the table and I'll get the garbage for her. She demanded I get it now. Also--through all of this, she gets hot, or at least thinks she does. Not when she gets morphine, just random times.    "So she will end up staying there, just like Popo" "I feel like I just stuck her in a home" this was a convo with my oldest on Nov 21...today and for a few days, I keep asking myself why I didn't just let her...

Part 4 December 17. Calls started around 1:30am, to Teresa too. One unintentional voicemail I heard the nurse talking to her about how I am probably asleep and mom saying no we have to talk to each other. She gave her meds. Then at 6:30 she called again, and I was actually still asleep (bills Friday off). It's 8 now, no calls yet.    December 18. First call at 4:30am. Stayed on the line. Any time I disconnected she would call back. Called out my name every minute or two. Rough morning. From the sounds of things she ate breakfast & lunch. Got here at 1:30, she smiled said hi and fell asleep. Very sleepy today, but would wake up and say she loves me. And just like always, she knew when it was getting close to leave and would start with "don't go" she was more worked up about me leaving tonight. Nurse gave the anxiety meds early but it wasn't helping. I left about 9:15 and she called by 9:30. It was the hardest time leaving. At one point when I fell asleep she sa...

Part 3 December 11. 3:15am she called me, anxious and asking if I can hear her. Nurse said she slept til 1:30 (which is the most she has slept in a few days). Keeps saying she needs water. Keeps calling the nurse. They couldn't give the lorazepam because she was asleep. Nurse said if they give it to her now they won't be able to give it to her tonight at bed time. (Lame). -- I've been on the phone all night. She has not slept and keeps asking if I'm still on the phone. When I nod off she hangs up and calls me back. Got to hospital at 9:30, and within minutes she falls asleep. Talked with hospice nurse about the anxiety. Ok'd giving lorazepam as needed vs just at bed time. Not sure if they gave it yet, but, 3:06pm and she's asleep for the first time. Bloody nose again today. Anxiety came back a little after sleeping (for 2 hours!) and I noticed when it does, that seems to be linked to her neck pain/comfort. Also, throwing up today, not anything major like at the ...

Part 2 Nov 28. Nose tube, catheter removed. Food changed to soft foods. On one hand she is better, on the other hand this afternoon she seems worse--but not pain. It's different--emotions, physical, mental. She's tired. She does not want to go to rehab. Yesterday and earlier today her veins were no longer holding the iv. They are getting ready to try again. Nothing helps her discomfort. She is sleeping a lot. Nurse thought maybe some of the pain is because her bowels are starting to move again. Putting an iv in will allow for morphine to be administered easier. Routines tomorrow go back to "normal" which means I won't be able to be here all day. She is not happy about that...   And of course her veins still aren't holding the iv. Ok, they got one to stay. Gave her 3mg of morphine.  **a side note. Through this, at one point mom actually felt better and was excited to eat real food. her doc had mentioned this could happen again. Mom said if it does, she did NOT ...

Part 1 I know everyone responds differently to hospice & morphine. But no one prepares the family for what could happen (how can they really)—phone calls all day asking for help. Groaning. Saying she can't breathe. Confusion. Anxiety. And while on the phone, repeatedly asking "are you there?" And if you aren't by their side, constant phone calls. And for the family— Waiting. Guilt. Anger. Tears. Unknown. Exhaustion. Questions without answers. Sleepless nights. Even an unusual attachment to one member of the family, regardless of who visits. And THIS is if your loved one is in a facility. A loved one at home is a whole other story. But, I would tell people to be ready for anything—childlike behavior, confusion, calling out for one person, repeated phone calls, not recognizing you when you walk into their room, good days & bad days, even days that seem like they are getting better. You will not understand why, about anything, especially the hard days, or the mom...

I get it's "ok to not be ok" but my question is, what do you do about it? Like, ok, today I'm not ok. So.....then what? There's nothing I can do about it that will change it, it's not in my hands. And then there's everything else going on. I'd list them but then that's what I would focus on--everything that's wrong. Let's face it, there's plenty that's wrong. Open up your news feed, listen to the radio, watch the news, talk to someone, read the newspaper or a magazine...get the point?? If you ask me if I'm ok, how am I suppose to say yes when there's so much "no?"  I talk about choosing joy and challenge people to find the good. I keep a list of things I'm thankful for and things that make me happy, and I'll tell everyone to do it because it's a great thing to do.  I tell people how important it is because the more good we focus on, the more good we will see. I know it's a choice. But I'm not go...

In my 53 years, I have not seen a time bring so much division-brother against brother, family against family, neighbor against neighbor. This is NOT how we are supposed to act toward one another. And why do we think bashing the political party we don't associate with is ok?? Or even worse, wishing bad on them and their families? Are you really telling me all your friends believe the same exact way you do? It saddens me the way people react when their party doesn't win or things don't go their way. How are republicans any better than democrats? How are democrats any better than republicans? Why is it ok for you to decide who gets to get married? Since when does everyone have to believe the same way? Why is it if I disagree with you or think a certain way, I'm "one of them"?  We were not created the same. We look different, act different, think different. BUT, there was a time we actually worked together! We stood for unity. We helped one another, agreed to disa...