Thursday, December 13, 2007

Today

At what point did this journey take me where I’ve never been before? Last year? 5 years ago? And when did things become so … different? Last night at 242, Greg went back over the words that spelled “WASTE” from Sunday’s message. Worry. Anger. Striving. Turmoil. Explaining. And it really hit me. I have turmoil. Not as much as I used to. But, there are still times when things inside just become a whirling mess. But, this revelation didn’t overwhelm me like usual. It was clarity, clarity among the turmoil. Doesn’t seem possible. But, for the first time, I realized it’s about trust. OK, I don’t mean my first time ever hearing about it. I’ve known that most of the crap, the worry, the explaining boils down to not trusting that God has everything under control and that all I really need to do is look to Him. I’ve heard it. Every Sunday message boils down to loving God and trusting Him. But this time, I faced it. Last night, I looked at trust and realized that no, I do not trust God with every part of my life. The crazy thing is it’s not that I think I can take care of it all myself either. It’s just that I don’t trust Him. Wow, did I really just type that? Trust God with what? My husband. My children. My weight. My house. My walk with Him and this deep desire for more.
Trusting Him. Somewhere I’ve really only been a little bit, or have I? I know there is more. Not materially. Spiritually. More with Him. More relationship with Him. More knowledge, wisdom, love, discipline. More GOD, less ME. And so, a new path begins, or maybe not so new in as much as it’s just letting go…

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